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A play for 4,5,6,7,8 or 9 people. Holy Gaetz! Comedy
Nikolay Lakutin
Have you ever met truly holy traffic cops on the roads? That's so that almost a halo can be viewed over your head. Happened? Our story is not about such a character at all… though....
Nikolay Lakutin
A play for 4,5,6,7,8 or 9 people. Holy Gaetz! Comedy
Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR IS PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.
A play in two acts (18+)
Duration 1 hour 50 minutes, including one intermission.
An explanatory note for the director is attached at the end of the play.
ACTORS
Xenophon Vasiliev.
Alyona (Sergeevna).
Angela.
Zoya.
Anyuta.
Polina (Andreevna).
Victoria Yakovlevna Ponamareva.
Regina (Evgenievna).
Natalia (Igorevna).
The play is designed for one male role and eight female roles. But with a modest cast of the theater, this play can be staged with one hero and three heroines who will combine the basic roles of Alyona, Angela, Zoya, as well as distribute the episodic roles of other heroines among themselves. Thus, this production can be implemented with the number of actors 4,5,6,7,8 and 9 people. Scenes of extras can, if necessary, be played on a projector or something else. The most ideal option is 9 actors + extras 10-15 people, possibly with children. But this is at the discretion of the director and according to the possibilities of the theater.
Action 1
Scene 1. The seller of striped sticks.
It sounds positive-an incendiary musical composition.
The light flickers.
It turns out to be a stupefyingly happy traffic cop. He's wearing headphones and with his eyes closed with pleasure. It turns out, dancing, traditionally, as usual, twisting his striped wand on a string. He himself is in full dress (a traffic police inspector's suit, a cap, everything is as it should be).
He diverges in the dance so that his clumsy but diligent movements cause a blissful smile from everyone who can only contemplate it.
The traffic cop turns his back (to the viewer), performs quite busy pritops – dancing. At this point, the flickering of the light stops, and then the music stops.
But our traffic cop is still burning out.
The noise of the city begins to sound, the roar of cars passing by.
The crowd begins its march, which dynamically appears from different ends of the backstage.
Someone is just walking by, someone is in a hurry (for example, with a child, if there is an opportunity to attract children to episodic roles), someone is on the arm with a loved one (beloved). And, of course, the drivers passing by, most of them.
*For drivers, a footnote for the director below explains how they can be shown on stage.
Everyone at a certain moment of their procession or passage pays attention to a strange traffic cop. Someone smiles, someone twists his finger at his temple, someone shakes his head reproachfully, and someone pokes his finger.
The extras disperse – they disperse.
The noise of the city and the roar of passing cars stops.
The traffic cop turns to face the viewer, stops dancing, bringing his emotional dance to a certain logically final feint.
He exhales loudly, takes off his headphones, takes off his cap, opens his eyes to a full view, looks into the hall, happy and happiest.
Xenophon (he's a traffic cop) (positively, cheerfully). Oh, it was a nice day yesterday! Four turns in the wrong place, three double solid intersections, and even a couple of drunk drivers at the wheel, one of whom drove on the oncoming lane. (As joyfully and emotionally as possible, patting the thick pocket from which the bills sticking out are visible.) Yes, I… Heh…, sometimes I don't earn as much in a quarter as yesterday the Lord sent down earthly gifts on my law-abiding God-fearing head.
As a matter of course, as if between business and nothing, Xenophon pulls out a five-thousand-dollar bill (not necessarily a real one) from a bundle of money, blows his nose loudly into it and throws it aside.
He crosses himself, then squeezes his palms together, as if he is grinding and sends an air kiss somewhere up.
Xenophon (positively, cheerfully). No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't spend everything yesterday. (Smiles with all 32 teeth, takes a short pause, takes a mineral water from his pocket, opens it). And in the pubs I fucked up, and I looked into the underground casino, I slobbered money to the homeless at the church. (Happily and emotionally, patting his thick pocket.) And still the tub is still full!
Xenophon literally washes down the last word with mineral water, because there is a place for drying.
Chokes, spills. Coughs …
coughs, removes the mineral water.
Xenophon (changes the subject, seriously and sternly). Ah.., okay. What was, was. Well, today is a new day! New opportunities, new violators, new (he shows money with his fingers – a gesture in which he rubs three fingers) receipts!
Softly, a moderate musical theme sounds in the background.
Xenophon puts a cap on his head, a stern look, a sight on the road… everything… He's already all on duty, all on duty.
Smoothly, the crowd of drivers does not appear very tightly and quickly disappear.
The sound of passing cars. Softly.
Xenophon (as if between cases, in his own way, looking at the road, watching the passing cars with drivers from the crowd). I'm actually a bit of an unusual traffic cop. I'm… kind of a unique traffic cop. And my uniqueness lies in the fact that I stop only women!
Yes!
Here is such a seemingly strange feature I have… recently. Literally from today! (He pauses.)
I don't like men! I hate to put up with it. (Distracts from the drivers, addresses the viewer) As soon as you stop a man, there's a lot of awkward whining, threats, empty-mouthed and boring. There are not so many wrappers (pats his pocket) you have, how many nerves you spend. Although… what to hide, yesterday was an exceptional day. In a word, the men shook my nerves – be healthy. And now, to restore the psyche, from today I switch exclusively to women. With women, it is more pleasant to the eye, and the bonuses are tastier. Women are so cute… especially when they mess up. And they mess up, what to hide …, often!
Stops, smiles guiltily, rivermen clap… And from that moment on, I am the king and God of the situation. The ladies call their pussies, cats, zainki, and they, in turn, solve my financial issue. But this is not always the case. More often, everything is solved immediately on the spot promptly, without any pusiks there. Not a job, but a real pleasure! Therefore, male drivers, in my reality, from now on, we can say, do not exist!
The hum of passing cars is growing.
A few people from the extras are passing by. Someone timidly, someone brazenly and discontentedly glancing at the law enforcement officer. Someone is chatting on the phone and hiding a mobile phone, at the time of passing by a traffic cop… It's just like in life.
But here, Xenophon takes aim. He has already found his victim.
The extras disperse – they disperse.
The musical accompaniment of the hum subsides.
Only the sound of a car passing by alone is heard (softly).
Xenophon points with a wand (wand) at the driver, indicating that he should park.
A girl driver "pulls up", parks. There is another girl sitting next to me, in a rather relaxed, imposing way.
Both are sitting in the car, waiting.
Xenophon approaches, quickly pronounces the phrase on duty.
Xenophon (speaking rapidly). Senior Lieutenant Xenophon Vasiliev. (Puts his hand to his cap properly) Document verification!
The girl driver holds out the documents, Xenophon looks disapprovingly. Flipping through. Glances at the driver.
Xenophon (reproachfully). And what about the citizen in the next seat is not wearing a seat belt? Violating?
The passenger silently hands Xenophon a bill.
Xenophon carefully looked around, accepts the gift.
Xenophon (philosophically, judiciously). How not to take …
Returns the documents to the driver, puts his hand to the cap.
Xenophon (calmly saying goodbye). All the best!
The sound of a car leaving.
The ladies leave the parking spot.
Xenophon (to the viewer, enough, waving the bill he took). That's it!!!
Puts the bill in his pocket.
Xenophon (to himself). In the piggy bank.
The noise of the car is growing again. Xenophon is on guard again. Looking out. Vigilant.
Here he noticed the "victim". A sneaky, sly grin. A wave of the stick, pointing to the parking lot.
Alyona drives up, parks.
Xenophon approaches, his duty phrase sounds.
Xenophon (speaking rapidly). Senior Lieutenant Xenophon Vasiliev. (Puts his hand to his cap properly) Document verification!
Alyona (starts babbling, without letting the lieutenant finish his duty phrase, pityingly, submitting documents). Sinful, sinful, Comrade Lieutenant! The devil got confused, turned in the wrong place, well, you yourself saw everything perfectly. And I don't need anything. And when I started to turn, that's when I saw it. And where already now, the maneuver has begun… I had to finish. You will forgive me, please, for the first time, I will never do this again, never, honestly, I repent!
Xenophon (checking documents, stretching out vowels, like a priest in a temple). Greshnaaaa, my daughter, greshnaaaa, Alyona Sergeeeyevna. But what should I do with you, how to absolve a sin so severely punished? After all, I cannot let you go without punishment, because punishment comes from the word PUNISHMENT! And that punishment cannot be thrown out of the God-created synym of the universe in any way.
Alyona (guiltily). Can I atone for my guilt with a chervonets minted, which is also not thrown out of the system created by God, because we often pay for our sins with just such a measure of calculation, and as long as from time immemorial the people of a simple power are beaten for everything with a coin. Accept my gift, Father Xenophon, for the donation of the temple of your unsullied Soul, yes, in the name of the remission of my grave sins.
Alyona holds out the bills.
Xenophon thinks about it, does not take it.
Alyona adds more bills, attracts.
Xenophon happily accepts the bribe.
Xenophon (returning the documents). I absolve you of your sins, my daughter, since I repented properly, so that I did not avoid understanding about what I had done. Go with God, but don't go on the thorny seductive path from now on.
Alyona smiles and leaves.
The sound of a car leaving.
The sounds of the city reappear, the noise of passing cars increases.
Extras.
Xenophon is on guard again. Looking out. Vigilant.
Everything subsides and ends.
ZTM.
Scene 2. Angela.
Angela's apartment.
Sounds positive-incendiary music. Angela is all this razetakaya, not too burdening herself with worries, conducts sluggish machinations, the semblance of cleaning around the house. Reluctantly and poorly wipes the dust. He's rearranging something somewhere. Meanwhile, she sips wine, and dances in a good mood in a pleasantly caressing dressing gown.
Here is a duster already thrown far away, and in Angela's hand is a mobile phone.
She's looking at something, dancing, smiling.
Everything is cool.
The musical accompaniment ends, the phone in Angela's hand starts ringing.
Angela looks at the screen a little surprised, picks up the phone.
Angela (waiting for the intrigue). Hello? Oh, Zoya, it's you. What's the number that came up? From what phone? Which Anyuta? Ah, Anyuyuta. Say hi to her. Me? And how will I tell her? When? Now?
The doorbell rings.
Angela gets a little lost, briefly rushes between the receiver and the door, not knowing where to run, who to answer.
He returns to the phone again.
Angela (hurriedly, into the phone). Hello? Hello?
The phone is silent. Angela goes to open the door.
With a squeal, a squeak and all that is necessary in these situations, two friends fly into the apartment. Zoya and Anyuta. Both look great, both are on a marathon, in heels.
All three of them hug. Everyone is happy to see each other. Hugging, opening their arms.
Angela (happily, confused). How? Where are you from…
Zoya (interrupts, joyfully, emotionally, throwing off the cape and sheltering her casually where necessary). I'll tell you everything now! Listen up!
Anyuta (emotionally). You won't believe it! How small the world is, it's just some nonsense. (Immediately changes the subject and rushes to hug Angela again.) God, I've missed you so much, let me hug you again! I haven't seen Zoya as much…
Zoya (energetically, intricately). Girls, wait, I'm with you!!!
Zoya also joins the hugging.
All three of them rejoice, enjoy hugs, cling to each other. Friends are straight friends, where to go.
Angela (with interest). Girls, tell me how, what, where???
Anyuta (emotionally). We're telling you!
Zoya (seizing the initiative). Me first!
Anyuta (emotionally). Come on.
Angela (happily, confused). So, well?
Zoya (emotionally). In general, I came to the spa salon. I made an appointment for three hours, and calmly appeared to myself at the appointed time.
Anyuta (interrupts, emotionally, quickly pronouncing and at the same time actively gesticulating). And I also came by this time, because I also signed up for this salon, to the same master, and also for three hours!
Zoya (emotionally, to Anyuta). Yes, Aaaaaaaaaaa! Well, I'm telling you!
Anyuta (emotionally, without blaming herself too much, Zoike). Yes, you-you-you. Everything. Tell me.
Zoya (emotionally, to Anyuta). You've already told me everything yourself!
Anyuta (emotionally, to Angela). You understand, I've been going to this salon for the third year already! Raids, of course, not systematically …
Zoya (emotionally, Angela). I'm the fourth, Angel!
Anyuta (emotionally, to Angela). And not once, can you imagine? Zoika and I have never crossed paths!
Zoya (emotionally, to Angela). And this time there was something messed up. They took a new administrator, a young girl, well and…
Angela (astonished). Oooooballlldeeeet!!!
Zoya (emotionally, Angela). That's what I'm talking about!
Anyuta (emotionally, to Angela). And imagine, this klusha (Kindly mows and points to Zoika.) she didn't recognize me!
Zoya (emotionally, to Angela). It's not that I didn't find out. I saw that there was some kind of chicken behind me, but there was no time to look at it, because I was fighting with the administrator at that time!
Anyuta (emotionally, to Angela). And take the chicken, and shout at the brawler. Zoya already squinted at her feet!
Zoya (emotionally, to Angela). And you remember how Nyurka barked at school. Everyone there had diarrhea, then enuresis made itself felt. (With mockery.) The voice is "angelic".
Anyuta (emotionally, to Angela). Come on, so, I announced it half-heartedly… Lo and behold, this Zoya is standing, looking at me, and his eye twitches. And he can't understand anything that I'm pushing.
Zoya (emotionally, to Angela). And I, most importantly, turned around, I look, this abnormal one, the one who was yelling (Points in a friendly way at Anyuta.) He stands there and grins with his disproportionate mouth. Then I immediately remembered a Soviet joke, remember? "And I know this girl, she still walks and smiles."
Well, I think so to myself, now, I'll dry my pants, and I'll give a burn to this brisk bitch.
Anyuta (emotionally, to Angela). And the bitch is still standing, and smiling, and waiting for Zoya's memory to stir up …
Zoya (emotionally, Angela). And it stirred up, but not immediately! (To Anyuta.) Try to get to know you like this, without preparation. You've changed in everything and everywhere. Hair, figure, proportions… It's like you've become even taller!
Anyuta (emotionally, to her friends). Yes, it's just me in heels…
Zoya (emotionally). So I'm in heels! (He turns to Angela.) Tell me, Angel, you won't find out, will you?
Angela (emotionally, Anyuta). Yes, it's true, Anyut, I would have met you like this on the street passing by, I wouldn't have recognized you right away either… Well, you look great, pretty girl!
Anyuta is spinning, quite showing herself.
Anyuta (emotionally, joyfully, stopping spinning, to Angela). Angelka, how are you? Zoika and I have already talked, but I don't really know anything about you. Tell me!
Angela (emotionally). Oh, girls…, fall down, who's where, let's chat. That we're really on our feet…
sitting down.
Zoya and Anyuta look at Angela in anticipation.
Angela (emotionally, with intrigue). Looks like… I'm finally here… I pulled out my lucky ticket!
Anyuta (emotionally, joyfully). Oh…
Zoya (emotionally). Yes laaaaadno …
Angela (emotionally, with intrigue). Anyway, listen up. I forgot my license last week… well… driver's license. Here. And to nothing. And it had to happen that a traffic cop stopped me.
Anyuta (supporting). This is the law of meanness! It always works flawlessly.
Angela (emotionally, with intrigue). Yes! Well… I really still parked in the wrong place, just in front of this traffic cop. A relative fell on her tail, so I threw her to the subway. Well, in the center, you know, there is nowhere to stand. I'm right on the "dedicated" for public transport and parked. I dropped off a relative, just to leave, well, this one… with a wand to me: "Come here."
Zoya (with interest, sympathetically). Damn it… So, so what?
Angela (emotionally, with intrigue). I stop, open the window a little, ask "What"?
And he stands there, smiling, as if he got a five.
Anyuta (sympathetically). He also smiles. Uuu… bastard.
Angela (emotionally, with intrigue). No, he actually turned out to be normal. I've never met such traffic cops before. Well, judge for yourself. Anyway, he introduced himself… His name is still so interesting – Xenophon!
Zoya (with interest). Wow.
Angela (emotionally, with intrigue). Yeah. Documentaries, then, back and forth. I'm a grab, and there are no documents. I left it at home. I explained to him that, they say, so and so.
Anyuta (with interest). What's he doing?
Angela (with intrigue). And he offered to go to his car. I began to check my swallow on the databases. Now they have everything, all the data. Well, in the meantime, I checked, we talked so casually with him about life, and about how many different incidents there are on the roads. He checked everything, wished me a safe journey, told me not to park in the lane allocated for public transport anymore, and instead of a fine, he wrote out his phone number on a crumpled piece of paper. He said he wouldn't be offended if I called.
Zoya (with interest). So what? Did you call?
Angela (with intrigue). Girls, at first I wanted to throw out this piece of paper altogether, but I was too tired. And in the evening I remembered. I thought that he treated me like a human being somehow. So he smiled sincerely, because somehow he communicated warmly. In short, I did not offend him, yes, I called.
Zoya (emotionally). Yes laaaaadno …
Anyuta (with interest). Soooo, well, well?
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